September 13, 2010, Meadowlands, NJ — The New York Jets were dealt an unkind, fateful double blow this week, falling prey to the curses of a seductive siren and a floppy throwing arm en route to an opening Monday night defeat at home.
On Saturday, the star-struck Jets were visited during practice by the beautiful Inez Sainz, a reporter from TV Azteca in Mexico, who claimed that the Jets’ players and coaches made “suggestive comments” and actions toward her, including purposely overthrowing practice passes so that they would land in her vicinity and align them with an opportunity for a quick visit.
“She is hot, and she’s Mexican,” said Jets’ QB and fellow Latino TV star Mark Sanchez, whose friends prefer to simply call him “Dirty”. “Was I not supposed to hit on her? I’m not gay, you know.”
Head coach Rex Ryan was in on the pranks as well, and made an interesting analogy regarding his influence on and leadership of the team: “I’m like the controller, and the players are my trains,” said Ryan. “They make sure I’m well-fed, and they go, go go. Choo choo!”
The portly controller also played a major part in his team’s offensive play selection during the game against the Ravens on Monday night, during which the Jets’ offense ran the ball exactly as many times as they’d passed it (21), an offensive scheme that resulted in 176 total net yards, six total first downs, three field goals in total scoring, and 60 net yards passing. In contrast, Ryan’s little engines surrendered more than twice as many yards as a result of penalties (125) as they gained via the pass. Sir Topham Hatt was cross indeed: “I work these guys to the bone all week, and this is the effort they give me on game day?” he asked quizzically yet emphatically, noting that this lackluster effort had caused both confusion and delay. “I’m not happy at all. And when I’m not happy, I eat. Let’s go get a snack.”
Mr. Sanchez was also baffled by his own ineffectiveness and involvement in a weak passing effort (10 of 21 attempts for 74 yards for no touchdowns, and a longest completed pass of just 13 yards), yet he afforded the results of his personal performance to a much more mystical quality: “I don’t know,” said Dirty. “Before the game, I was throwing the football through brick walls, just like I always do. And then I stepped out onto the field, and I couldn’t throw anything but parabolas and rainbows. Must be the curse of that Chad guy, you know.”
Of course we do. The Chad-who-must-not-be named is none other than Chad Pennington, whom the Jets had dumped in 2008 in order to sign the thrice-retired Brett Favre, who also quickly fell prey to “the curse” and lasted only a season in the haunted Meadowlands. While Farve flailed floppy-flighted footballs into what seemed to be hurricane-induced arcs for the Jets, Pennington led the Miami Dolphins, who had won just a single game the season before, to the NFC East Division title and to their first playoff appearance in ten years.
Yet the Curse of the Noodle Arm, which the Jets’ aficionados have affixed permanently to Pennington’s legacy, continues to haunt Jets’ quarterbacks, including Sanchez: “I wish the guy would just leave me alone; I can’t impress chicks throwing like this.”
“I don’t know anything about that right now,” Ryan exclaimed. “I’m eating.”
Disclaimer: None of this is true, especially the dialog, which is completely fabricated. Actually, there is no proof that any of this is untrue. Disclaimer retracted.